What About the Failures?
I started this blog to highlight all the many many several many failures in the garden I was learning from. And lately I’ve been just posting success after success like I’m some kind of gardening super genius. This is not so - I am manipulating the media; I am indeed still an idiot.
Case in point, everything in this post. I shall highlight each of my mistakes shown above.
1) Red Warty Thing Pumpkin. That’s actually its name, and as a container gardener, I desperately want to know the joy of having big ugly pumpkins growing in my very own yard. Instead I have ugly disintegrated pumpkin vine, which, while ugly, is not as rewarding.
2) Compass Plant. I love prairie plants a whole lot. So much so, I ordered a bunch from Prairie Moon Nursery. However, the thing about prairie plants is that they have giant roots. I can only lie to myself for so long.
3) Brandywine Tomato. Do you see a theme emerging? I have never grown a large-sized tomato in containers and even the ones that appear look all zombie-fied. God dammit, give me a god damn yard! All these people wasting their land on stupid grass.
4) Beans. I don’t remember what kind of beans, but I have a ton of vines with no flowers or pods at all. I don’t know why my beans are impotent, but it might have to do with the fact that I grew these from beans I found on the kitchen floor, planted in a tiny pot, got two bean pods to grow, and then planted those beans in a bigger pot. So now they have room, but are mutants who refuse to be delicious. I’m sure science can explain this.
5) Lance-Leaf Coreopsis. COVERED in black aphids. This year I’ve seen black, grey, red, orange and green aphids. While I am impressed by their endless variety, I want them to die horribly. How does one torture an aphid so they feel the suffering I want them to feel?
6) A GIANT THING. I AM SO MAD ABOUT THIS ONE IT WILL PROBABLY GET ITS OWN POST BUT I HAVE BEEN NURTURING WITH LOVE AND PATIENCE THIS PLANT ALL FUCKING WINTER AND THROUGH THE YEAR AND I THOUGHT IT WAS A CARDINAL FLOWER BUT IT’S ALMOST CERTAINLY A STUPID FUCKING WEED THAT GERMINATED IN THE SAME POT AS MY STERILE CARDINAL FLOWER SEEDS LIKE THOSE BIRDS THAT LAY EGGS IN THE NESTS OF OTHER BIRDS SO THE OTHER BIRDS CAN RAISE THEIR STUPID BABIES. WHAT ARE THOSE BIRDS CALLED? OH YEAH, ASSHOLE BIRDS.
7&8) Broccoli and Brussels Sprouts. My brassicas have been bogus all year - I blame the weather and not my incompetence.
And honestly, there’s so many more semi-failures. But it’s still awesome, and I am eating much better than the last few summers and learning a lot about crowding and containers and roots and nutrients.
Next year, nothing will stop me!